Past, Present, Future

I think the hardest part of life is realizing when to live in the past, when to live in the present, and when to live in the future. A clear separation is obvious first in their names, second in our perception of them. But how similar are these three things? We lived in our past, as it was that moment's "present", only trying to get to a future we can never truly grasp. If the past represents our learning, our mistakes, our constant coming-of-age; what, in turn, does our present state represent? In this I believe that if you can get started young and get a grasp on these tenses of your life that are constantly changing, you can have a great future-present. Live your life in the tiny little moments. Know they will altogether create your past. You will screw up in the present. You will make mistakes but will also do great things. Learn your past. Learn the things you have done and how it affects you and those around you. This defines you. Those who have gone through traumatic episodes, maybe you never got over it and it continues to haunt you, or you put it there daily to remind yourself. Know this; everything that happens to you is just what's happening to you. The struggle is what's happening to you. Overcoming that struggle is what's happening to you.

One Year Ago

This coming week will be an emotional one for me and my family. We might fear the day but we will rise above it. July 7, 2011 we lost my brother-in-law to The War. SSGT Thomas Joseph Dodds Dudley. My sister's husband. Their children's father. A Brother, Uncle, and a friend. It was that same day, and the coming days to follow, where most of the learning in my life has come. Our hearts were shattered. Unfortunately I was at my work in Charlotte when I got the call. I was on the patio setting up at 10:30am when I got the call. "Something happened to your brother-in-law. Get home." It was at that point the call was disconnected. I abruptly got my stuff together and ran to the office to let my managers know that I had to leave immediately. While standing in the office, it hit me. I had to verbally say what happened. "My brother-in-law was killed in Afghanistan today. I have to go home." I lost it and fell into the arms of someone whose love I will never forget. I was emotional. I could not see anything but those three kids wondering what was really going on. I rushed to my car and raced home. My car would never go 100 m.p.h but on this day, it did. I got home in seven minutes. I ran inside to see three Marines inside and my niece sitting on the bed in the room where you walk in. I fell into her. I could not believe her father was dead. Mr. Invincible. Mr. Man of the Year. Mr. Incredible. In all walks of life, the last thing you want to understand is death. We are incapable of understanding why people are taken from us. We ask questions left and right, never really knowing what is going on, or what is going to happen. My sister and her kids were here on a mini-vacation from Jacksonville, NC so that the kids could see their Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins. My sister was going to get some paperwork to finalize the adoption that would show my brother-in-law was her first daughter's father. We went to a concert. We had dinner. We had laughs. At the end of it all, we were sharing tears and shoulders. What a terrible vacation. What a blessing that we could all be together at that moment. It was heartbreaking.
Having someone die in the Military is partially rewarding, cruel, and riveting. It is not planned, but when it happens, everything is policy. Everything is Marine-speak, enunciated, and performed. It does not pose the same questions or feelings as when a Grandparent dies. This leaves no room for grief. No room for mourning. I wondered how everything might be at the funeral. I know my brother-in-law was an amazing man and I was ill prepared to find out just how much. We had close friends come by with open arms and lots of food. At one point I am sure there were forty or fifty people at my house. It was no party. Family came in from all over the country. It was surreal. One day you are at a Zac Brown Band concert wishing he was there with all his brothers and sisters having the great time we had, one day we were at the Fourth of July parade where we thanked God for him and his service. One day he was gone. I have never seen a community come together in the manner they did. From picking up his body on a chartered plane, people lined the streets of the road holding signs and flags. The memorial for TJ was not set to one spot. It was the entire week and it was the entire community who was a part of it. Everyone showed amazing support for my family and my sister and her family. We lost a great man. A man I will never forget and will strive to be like. A true hero. A role model for us all.
So what have I learned in a year? I learned how to look up to someone. I learned how to live through my heroes. I saw a man who gave everything he could for his family, his community, and his country. I saw a man who gave his life on the sheer notion that it was just right. I learned to stand up for myself. I found myself wanting to share the story of this amazing man and his family and how inspirational it was for me. I wanted to use that to inspire other people to do what you love, do it with passion, and live with no regrets. I learned to care for every man and woman I meet. I learned courage and love. This is a man I have known since I was 8. I knew him for more than the majority of my life. Now he is gone. The great thing about death is that though his body is no longer walking this planet, his spirit fills it. It has found a home in the souls of all who were affected. We have allowed him to live on, through us. I think everything does happen for a reason and looking back, I realize how many people he saved, even through death. I look at how many people got to take a step back and really think about what it was they were doing. I think he changed lives. He changed mine.
So as we approach this Fourth of July, as we approach the Seventh of July. Celebrate. Give your day to celebrate this country and the heroes who made it what it is. We are free. We have amazing opportunities here that maybe all of us are not grasping. We are so lucky to be where we are. So celebrate! Be with your closest friends and family. Cook out. Shoot off fireworks and kiss the ones you love under the blanket of stars God has given us. Our heroes are up there looking down and it is those same fireworks, in my opinion, that they can see and know we are still rooting for them, we miss them, and we are so happy for their sacrifice. Love with all of your heart and love everything. Give thanks to those who have helped you and help those in need. We are a strong country and the only way we will get any further than we are is to love. Love your people and love your country.

What Have I Learned?

I just got home from an amazing journey. An epic journey that accumulated all my beliefs and core values and shot them into an oblivion. I am a changed man. I thought before I was open, that I was confident, and mostly, that I was sure of it all.
I have been unfortunate, in the last two years, to have so many experiences that brought tremendous pain to me, my friends, and family. When I look back on these events, I know that I cannot trade them, I cannot take them back. As much as I want things to be different, I have to realize that they already are different. It happened that way. Things change. Things get different everyday. Sometimes these terrible events shine a new light into our eyes. Everytime, they will be looked back on, they will pass, and they will become part of your history. We also have moments where we do not suffer but rejoice for an experience. The great things that make us realize how hard we worked or notice how little we tried but were still blessed a bit to get just enough. It is these moments I love to create or be a part of. It is in those moments where we find growth. It is these same experiences where a family is made or made to endure.
I found another family. I become a part of a new family everywhere I go. I was going to be with these 8 other people for three to four weeks. What did I want from them? I think I wanted help. I have always been giving out my hands, trying not to receive. I needed reception and they were there to give it. What loving people I met. Such different people. We all had different accents. We all were into different things. We figured each other out very quickly. Be bonded very quickly. I think I collected something from each and every one of them. They passed it on to me and I will never forget it.
I learned compassion for everything and how to stand up for yourself and those around you. I learned confidence and how it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you; be yourself. I learned how no matter where you get, life is still the same, you are still the same person. I grew to project myself better, how to display my true emotions. I was able to be happy for 28 days. I laughed and had the best time of my life. I had amazing conversations with great people. I made a lot of new friends. I hope those people know I want to know them for the rest of my life.
Be yourself but always change. Always learn and grow. Everything happens for a reason; you are meant to go where you choose. It's the only way to go. Don't think; just go with your gut. Never second guess yourself. Your gut instinct is what you are meant to do. I would never trade the experiences I went through after having gone through them. They mold me. This one opened me up to an amazing level. Thank God for the experience of life and the concept of learning.

Change

It's amazing what the body and the mind are capable of doing. I thank the Enlightenment for what it did to people; the human race. Once upon a time we used to be held captive by our rulers, our "leaders" who took our hearts and held them under their own sleeves; that we may not be our own selves. That we could not reason. Remember, over time this went from something that was kept in the dark, behind closed doors, to something we do immediately without a second thought. Reason is the first thought. It is our first instinct.
For almost a month I have been on my own without friends and family by my side and in that time I have been received by a new family. I have learned to be on my own. To take care of myself. To reason by myself instead of needing approval from those around me. These people do not know me. This community does not know me. Where once I was embarrassed or anxious to do something, I am no longer. It has opened me up even more than I once was before. Which makes me think; at one point I was enlightened and it only continues to happen. The opening up is never ending. The blossoming never stops. I don't spend my time thinking about what another person may think of my actions or my reasoning. I realize these reasons are mine and I live partly unaffected but it rings true even more than before. That maybe if I can make these decisions on my own it will carry over when I go home. They will stick and people will see a new me. I hope they reason and see the change, accept it, and go on; maybe learn from it too. I hope people see the leadership and accountability I have learned to communicate and it makes them a better person. I am so thankful for the history of our human race. That there are some who strive to make it better for the future us. I love my experiences and my history and I will look upon those things as only an obect of ingenuity for my peers. That it only makes my reasoning much quicker and as a learning opportunity. I thank God for my history; for our history. I will strive to make this common-thought. That we can do anything we want. That we can change. There is always the thought that we can do better and change those around us and if you do not stick to that, we fall behind. You learn from doing; from changing. You stay the same when you don't and if you stay the same you will only experience that sameness. Change is good. Change keeps things rolling. Try something new. Do something you've never done before. Bring it home with you. Share it.

Perception

I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out how everyone but me thinks. Its really funny how people can be so judgemental but have no clue what to do with that judgment when they discover it. People love to know how many friends they have or to know how many people may love them. You would think when someone makes a judgment of you that they would in turn understand you but the fact of the matter is when you first meet someone, they have no idea what your life struggles have been. They have no idea what you have been through; the things you have endured. Its amazing to see that people can take things the complete opposite way you want them to picture you. I am an incredibly respectful person. I love to be the guy who takes a situation and turn it into a learning experience. I found myself today having to apologize to several people on the sheer fact that although I was trying to solve a problem, they never saw I was trying to solve that problem but that I was an asshole about it. I never wanted to be an asshole and I sure as hell never came off that way. Especially after explaining that there was a problem and I wanted to solve it. I don't get it. I feel like anyone who wants to solve a problem should be viewed as a problem solver. Not someone who is an asshole and thinks they know everything. I am smart. I like to be involved. I love being that guy. Solving problems; making things efficient, that's my thing. I had to waste energy to make sure several people understood this when in the first place, I did what I could to display that in expression, tone, and verbage. Why do I have to try so hard to not only get people to understand me, but to actually listen to what I am saying? Just because I am low on the totem pole does not mean I do not respect, appreciate, or love the person I am speaking to; regardless of stature. I do not have to recognize your authority to your face. You earned that. It is there. It says it on your name tag, it says it in your attire, and you wear it on your shoulder. You are the one who is supposed to take what I say and run with it. I do not have the authority to instill those things upon those certain people. I wish more than anything I was recognized for the things I did and not the things I say. I do a lot. I say little. When I speak, I hope the things I say are accounted for, realized, and that maybe what I said is put into place. Otherwise, what is the true meaning of authority? Can I just have it? Can it be mine? I hate going into it, but just because I am missing my front tooth I feel like I am looked at differently. I do not have the funds to fix my physical problems. I am working on it. I am doing the best I can to get myself into a position where I can take care of those things but it is constantly held against me. No one realizes that. You want to say that no one judges a book by its cover, but no one lives like that. People judge books by their cover all the time. If they didn't, why do people take so much time and effort into putting out this image on their book to sell it? Why do music artists try to have the most eclectic cover art? I used to purchase albums solely on cover art because those who tried so hard to put the most riveting, eye capturing art on their album or book tried so hard to make sure they were heard. Why are people not the same way? I think they are. I think people try to look good to make a name for themselves. That across the room you may see this beautiful girl with a gorgeous body and a beautiful dress on but you have no idea that she is broken. But that same broken girl feels like you, who is admiring her for her pure beauty, is less than her. That you are browsing out of lust or jealousy. No. I am admiring you for how beautiful you have made yourself. I am hoping that one day I meet a girl who I can call mine who looks just as good as you do no matter what your flaws are. It is amazing what people think. I wish they thought like me. I wish they pushed judgement to the side and really got to know someone; even if they never spoke to each other. It only takes eye contact and a smile. That's it. Put me in the restaurant I work in and when I smile at someone it is called hospitality but outside that building it is something entirely different. I wish I could change the world. I wish I could make people think the way I do. There are nice people out there; genuine people. People who take one look at you and wish that they had the confidence or whatever it is that you have that you show when you strut around. But you see it in an entirely different way. That same girl is telling her friends this creepy guy was looking at her when in reality I admired her beauty and wanted to share it with the world. If you see things differently than that, I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for all the negativity and all the baggage you carry. That you look at men and see the same man that was dragging you down, beating you, or taking advantage of you. We are not all the same. I may judge a book by its cover, but the only thing that does for me is make me understand you. That when you are the way you are, I know how you are and I make the way I speak to you, look at you, or talk about you the way you may actually want to be remembered. To the girl I am speaking of who may never see this; you are beautiful. I wish most women walked like you. That they smiled like you. That maybe their eyes glistened the way yours did. All along you thought I was staring at your low cut dress. I thought you were beautiful and admired how you walked with confidence. You walked with definition and a purpose. We're not all the same. And I am so sorry that maybe you felt otherwise.

Love

I have had many experiences with love. Each time is an entirely different experience. There are a lot of misconceptions on what love is and the nature of it. We have done a lot to change the look of love by putting a facade of material things upon it. We need things to show us love. We need proof of an emotion? Physical, material proof? What about when we are happy or sad? Need us be reminded of the positiveness of the world to keep us happy or how much negativity there is to keep us down? I want to remind you that Love is an emotion. It is a grasp not necessarily fixed upon your heart. It is all-encompassing connection. It is felt without baring, it is put on display. It will not change, nor can it have a low or high state of being. It is just a neutral emotion. With regards to relationships, this is a very important thing to realize. You are lucky to have someone if you do. You have someone to share your life with who cares about you, someone thinks you are the greatest thing that has ever happened to you. Remember, you are capable of those emotions, therefore that other person is as well. The connection is so much stronger when the other feels that way in return. Sometimes we don't believe it, but trust me, they do. The fact that you cannot conceive that means something is wrong with you, not the relationship. If we are expecting out of love we are not handling this emotion very well. We turn greedy, lower expectations and soon find ourselves unhappy with the whole situation. When in love, only expect love in return. In that regard, gifts will be gifts. I got this for you BECAUSE I love you. Not this is proof of my love for you, its just the one you wanted. Love is a fantastic emotion but most of us are unsure. I've seen true love in people who have lost to death. That same love was shared and has created the most beautiful blossom. Those who know of this kind of love are inspired by it and its beautiful being. I hope everyone can find love for everything and love it whole-heartedly. It is the essential tool for living a happy life. Accepting everything, and loving it, creates. Hope in love is what I have. I hope it spreads and I hope when it does you grab hold of it and share it with what is close to you. And follow those things and continue to let it grow. If you reject love you are only rejecting happiness. You cannot truly be happy unless you love at least one thing other than yourself. We can become our own unions and we can create a monopoly out of love. That their is no physical being that can sell love, other than our own selves. Any attempt will lead to failure or exhaustion. Love everything and breathe easy.

Time

Time is indefinite. It is a constant that cannot be maintained, stopped, or accelerated; it is merely nothingness. It has always been and it will always be. I was born October 26, 1988. As I write this I am 23 years 5 months and 9 days, 282 months, or 8561 days old. These numbers, though they hold value, have no meaning. At least, to me that is. If I go up to a random stranger and say, "I am 23, what do you have to say about that?" Any person would say, "You are very young/Inexperienced/I remember when I was your age." Herein lies the problem associated with time. We think we are limited or that we are on a scale. As if to say the older you get the more experienced you are. What are the actual rankings? I know many people who have experienced a lot more in a shorter amount of time than one who may think he has experienced much as an older person. We think time is the same recurring thing over and over again.  That every life has experienced the same as the other, just in different years. At 23 is there a supposed point I should have reached? Should I have gone to college and graduated this past year and be working at my entry level position? Not everyone will do this. Should I be doing an internship at some job in some other place? I may never intern anywhere in my life. Should I have traveled halfway around the world or visited some obscure place? I haven't had the money to. The problem is that at first gaze you might think I am inexperienced because I am young and you have your knowledge of what you have experienced, but in reality you must learn that I have experienced great things and am still experiencing; like you have. I will always be experiencing. There is no lesser or greater experience than life itself. All those experiences occurred because life occurred. They should be thanking life for happening. Let's remember time is a measure for one reason. Agriculture. Because it exists, every other industry takes advantage of it. It is so important that the measure of time is kept to the millisecond, even more, in our current society. Let's not brand anything else on time. Time is something to be reflected on. Maybe there are some people who live their life thinking over and over, this will be the greatest thing I do before I die. Incorrect! Re-brand your form of thinking. Set your goal to experience everything in your time, without an ending. Every little thing you can experience! Take each one and make the best of it, see the beauty in it, and understand nothing in that form is measurable. If a goal of pure beauty is established and then attained, there is no comparison between any of those things. A blossoming rose is just as beautiful as those children you raised, or will raise. The concept may be viewed as ignorance, but it is not. Time will let anything occur in itself. Anything goes, no holds barred, you can do whatever you want. Accepting everything around you and realizing the beauty in everything cannot be ignorant. It must be the way it was meant. Remember that in your experiences someone can change your direction, and in those same experiences, someone else's can be changed. Holding yourself back from letting that happen is only worse for you because eventually you will reflect on that and think that you were misguided, or regret. The only way to look back and be happy is to accept the beauty, in the time you have held, altogether.

Changes In Our Moral Code

Recently I have been thinking about all the negative problems we are facing in our world today. I don't think people are open minded enough. I don't think people as a whole will ever accept what they truly are, in its simplest form. Human. All of us. We are the same exact genetic makeup, we have similar features and similar emotions. What we need to learn are the differences in each other and in turn learn how we can accept those differences. Know that life did not begin with some contest or that you were rewarded to where you were born. A natural thing happened. Creation. It has happened for forever. You were made by your parents to be raised in their surroundings. That they thought they were capable of creation and could do it to the best of their ability. Because one of their goals, perhaps, was to have a family. This happens everywhere. In every living thing. We are the product of our own existence. So remember, the people who are ignorant to your world or your beliefs are not in fact ignorant. It may be a hard concept but throw out your beliefs.
This word [beliefs] has had me thinking lately. Points in time that seemed to stand still so I can metaphorically turn my brain on its side in order to even fathom this. Let's agree on its definition first.

Belief (n.)- An acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists.


Okay, let's check this out. I want to note that a belief is an acceptance, but it may not be widely accepted. If something is not widely accepted you will always have the recurring theme in life of light vs dark or good vs evil. You in turn create hostility between two people strictly over what one person's belief is as opposed to the other. Unless it is agreeable, no one ever takes a second to think, this person has accepted this, I have accepted my beliefs, I will in turn learn about his and respect that and in return he shall do the same. It is something we would never think about. We need to educate ourselves on all the different walks of life. I think that if we do this, if we start a movement of this type of thinking we could change the future of the world. In a world where technology has taken the "fuss" out of simple tasks, why we have not taken that time to improve ourselves or attempted an overhaul of our cognitive processes is beyond me. Technology will never do that for us. Technology is a tool, not a substitution.

Let's also take a look back in history. Those quotes, essays, stories, poems, etc that we have seen time and time again might be misunderstood. I think great things have come from the development of human emotion and conscious thinking. People had opinions, people saw wrongdoing, and did what they could to support what was right. In some cases, those things were changed and a new standard would be set and carried on. This process has occurred for thousands of years. I want to expand on history a little more in terms of knowledge. I think we are the smartest world culture ever, wouldn't you agree? In some cases an eighteen year old out of high school will have more knowledge and experience than someone in this world may have had hundreds of years ago. With that being said, we should examine our beliefs. We should re-examine our morals. We are intelligent beings. Most people on the planet will grow into a religion or a way of life that may show them how to live (be a good person, love thy neighbor, standard worldly laws). We are not born with hate in our hearts. I don't think anyone would come out of the womb and begin its existence being angry or anything. I believe these things come naturally because I know people who do not have a religious background but are decent living people. They have good morals and high standards. We also need to redefine some of these basic core beliefs that have been misconstrued as pure truth.

Hate. What is hate? What do you classify as hateful? What can stem from hate and what can't? We need to separate people's bad decisions or bad morals from hate. I wish I could say let's remove it from existence but that is not possible. Let's just make sure that we are being more accepting of life and the other decisions people make.

Judgement. People are judgemental and think they have the right to because they have knowledge of this "free speech" law. Of course you can say what you want, they are in fact your own vocal chords. But it is the process of a judgemental thought that should be examined. How about treat your neighbor as you would like to be treated? Sounds like a golden rule! Do you want someone judging you? Do you want someone to spread that judgmental thought and create that incorrect knowledge in someone else's brain? People believe what they hear and sometime's you are not able to fix that broken thought. Sometimes even more will a thinking man wonder what another man may think of him. Ignorance is not bliss. Knowing wholeheartedly that people know you for what you want them to know you as is a great thing. Even better is being that same person all the time.

Honesty. We also have misconstrued honesty in our morals or in our personal lives. We may say to someone that we are doing something one day and never get to that or in the moment realize we didn't want to do that thing in the first place and then we go back on our original thoughts. I think in turn this is being dishonest. Logical thinking or reasoning would have made the better choice. When you say you are going to do something, do it. If you share news with someone, make sure to quote people or to recognize that a true story exists and make sure that is the news you are sharing. If you say you won't tell anyone, do just that. Do not tell a single person. Then at the end of the day when we have done all the deceitful things we are so wrapped around ourselves we don't see how many of these little stunts throughout the day we have pulled. How many people have you tricked today? How many people have you been dishonest with?

There are so many more ways to define anything. But as an intelligent society we need to be thinking about what is moral. What we were intended to do. That we can take the mistakes of history and learn from it. There there is never a pure truth. Everyone is just occurring at the moment. Things we have learned in this age are entirely different from another, and from that, another. It will forever be occurring, and it has been the job of rational thinkers, or moral preservers, that we correct the truths held by the less minded people, and make what is good even better and what is bad somehow good for the future existence.

Why Being Just "Nice" Will Get You Nowhere

The other day someone at work asked me, "Why are you so negative?" I looked back at the girl asking me, partially stunned by the remark, and asked in reply, "Is that a serious question? Why would you think that?" She said abruptly, "Have you ever heard what comes out of your mouth?" This has sat in my mind for 3 days now. You know the Dane Cook joke about brain ninjas and mental terrorists? Apparently this is one of those moments. I walked around asking people what they thought and I got the typical laugh except one person who asked me if I thought about why she would think that. Well, I thought about why she would think that and here it is. I'm real and I'm honest. Plain and simple. Although, still respectful, I don't let the fact that I might make someone angry affect me. People make me a little angry all day long with their ignorance and their cowardice; not their actions nor their words. I'm fully conscious of the world around me; its influences, its subtleties, and its mystery. I'm fully aware of the human potential and I've seen great things in my life. I haven't taken my time reading the bad news around the world and said to myself that I'm a nice person because I don't do bad things. What about the opposite? The people who have created, discovered, and rose up to a achieve a better life. These people got there how? By being kissed by the sun or having the easy life? No. They didn't. They broke down barriers, they got dirty, they stepped on toes, they got their toes stepped on, and they didn't resist. They had to do something so out of the ordinary that it seemed unreal, even impossible. It makes you think, Wow, what an inspirational story. But what makes something inspirational? Does it make you feel happy inside, or does this thing make you realize what you, as a human being, are capable of? What you have to do to be successful? I haven't compared myself to the negativity around me. I'm above that. I challenge the negativity and the abnormal. It gives me strength and it gives me power. To be a part of the changing world, to put your two cents in, or to make a difference? Count me in; I'm in the business of changing the world. So, am I a negative person? The answer is no. I deal with situations as they come. I call bullshit without a second thought. I pick up where others left off and continue. I push through and never give up. My emotions are worn on my shoulder as to say I have nothing to hide. Some people call me crazy for the things I believe in. But it works. Inside I'm pretty happy and sometimes it doesn't show that, but I am. I let some things get the best of me because I want those around me to see how passionate I am. That I have my own goals and I will never accept sub-par. They say no one is perfect, but it doesn't hurt to attempt perfection. Failing at perfection cannot bring you down. It should inspire you to work harder. It should bring out the best in you.

Creativity in ignorance

I'm either giving credit to an ignorant society or realizing which path it's chosen to follow. Watching people and the way they do things or how they speak is so amazing. It's creative and also ironic the human mind could agree with those decisions. I also think I know how people are capable of living in ignorance. Some just live their lives on autopilot. Autopilot isn't necessarily a good function. That's when we drift off course. We tend to be naive to the little things. This is funny because all over the world you see ads, pictures, videos; anything that tells us to watch the little things. Do we just not know what the little things really are? Are we truly blind? It is at that point we become selfish. Instead of trying to live in harmony with the universe we make everything about ourselves. Being selfish also isn't a bad thing you just need to find a happy medium between being selfish and being selfless. We overlook the functions that bring harmony to our world. We slow ourselves down and in turn slow our friends down, our colleagues, even our family. I find it easier to be more selfless than the other. It's rewarding. It's stylish and hip. It speaks out and it's different. Not everyone can be the person that is "always there." that is left for truly special people. The secret is they live their lives in harmony with the world. They give back more than they receive because they know it's right. But does being only selfish make you ignorant? At what point would it be considered ignorant or not? The way I see it; I don't wanna straddle the line of ignorance. I want my energy to be a positive one. It can be stressful but that's life. You have to be a master of your emotions and not let them take control of you. Notice your breathing throughout the day and focus on your heart beat. Close your eyes and see what comes to mind. Just for a couple minutes. You then will have expelled an extreme amount of stress or irritation. You kind of catch up with yourself. Know that you are alive and that you are here among others who feel just like you feel, see how you see, and think like you think. They didn't ask to be here but they are involved in your life. Do you really want to hold it against them?

This Is Your Life

This is a picture I stumbleupon'd one day in Charleston and to be honest with you, it changed my life. I printed in out and looked at it every day. I read the words very carefully. I started to see how I was living my life in a way that wasn't healthy. I wasn't myself and I wasn't doing things my way. Things are so trivial and so simple. It is the inspiration that this brought that really made me quit my job, pack up my things, and move. It made me remember all of my relationships and how I've messed them all up by trying to live for someone else or trying to be everything for someone else. No one needs to live for anyone else. No one needs to live in dogma. Go out and CREATE!! Create objects, create friends, create ideas, create a future. Find something you love and when you find it get involved in it. You will find happiness. More opportunities will come from that. Making changes doesn't happen overnight. You have to live it. You have to let the days pass by and watch how everything comes together. Stop looking for the easy route because you make it harder on yourself. Life is so beautiful and wonderful. Just let it happen.

Painting the Roses Red

Does anyone remember Alice in Wonderland? Do you remember the song? It makes me think of a literal way to understand it. If you recall, the cards have accidentally planted white roses when the Queen wanted red roses. The terms they decided were that if the Queen knew, they would kill them. What I find to be ironic is how we as a people plant white roses everywhere, paint them red, and hide them. We don't want people to see our mistakes or even the effort afterwards in trying to correct it. It's much like a secret. The best part is when Alice joins in with a bucket and a brush and starts to help. I think everyone has secrets that we bring other people into when we shouldn't. In the act it looks so fun and engaging, but you don't think about it in for the long run. In a few weeks or months those roses will be dead and no one will ever know the difference, but I find it hard not to remember the beautiful white roses. Why anything would feel the need to cover something up. The world is going to happen however it does but why should anyone be held accountable for those things? Death? This could translate into literal death or death of a friendship. I used to be the biggest liar ever. I could front anything. I could make anyone do anything and if they didn't there would be consequences. I'm not like that anymore. The truth is where its at. The truth keeps me in reality and not trying to remember the past of the things I should've done different or how I need to cover something up from my past. It's just there. Paint the roses red or leave them beautiful to blossom. The wages of mistakes is not death. It is learning. It is education. When you find someone making a mistake, help them correct it. Don't help them hide it. Focus on the future, focus of what can come out of this and if you can find something greater go with that. These things can be simple. Buying the wrong bread, crunchy peanut butter, or 1% milk. How horrid these things are that can be brought into a light so bright that your mistake is the only knowledgeable object. I just try to do my best to not make mistakes but when I do I have to fix them, not hide them, and not cover them up. The worst feeling in the world is getting caught.

7 Essential Ways To Live In The Moment

Wake up the right way.
There is nothing like that kind of morning when you wake up moments before an alarm clock goes off. It's almost like you know God made that day for you. It begins to snowball. The hot water doesn't run out, the coffee doesn't spill, and traffic is clear. Some of us have these days often whereas some of us see these kind of days once in a blue moon. So, here's the deal. When you wake up in the morning don't let your immediate thought be about what happened yesterday or what terrible thing might happen to you today. The mind is a terrible thing to not understand. Think about your dreams, think about helping someone, or even someone helping you. Listen to music that gets you ready for the day but one not associated with some negative memory of the past. Take your time waking up and don't try too fast. Enjoy your mornings because this is where your entire day begins to get defined.


Take time to brush off your shoulders.
I find myself thinking all day long. It used to be a curse. Now I find it a miracle. I couldn't imagine not analyzing every little thing I do or someone else does. Actually, if I think about it, I could. Anyways, if you find yourself throughout the day remembering who got in your way, who said the wrong thing, or what someone else is doing, you're going down the wrong path. Try to take a couple minutes after whatever altercation you encounter and breathe. It sounds easy, but to many it is hard. Try to picture someone else getting upset with you about something you did and really try to grasp that emotion. The hardest part of giving this to yourself is knowing no one else will care about the world around them enough to do the same. But don't let that stop you. Change only happens when something becomes more familiar or when a strong emotion is attached. I've explained this to so many people and I've gotten a few of them to calm down, or to slow their mental habits of automatically freaking out. I know it's hard to live in this world, but you don't have to make it so difficult on yourself. Let the world live, do your thing, and get on with it.


Notice everything.
This is the definition of living in the moment. The first book i read on the subject seemed so simple to me. Then I got another and found the same to be true. Then as I got more into it I realized that these people are just people who know how to live life. How to enjoy it. Living in the moment is precisely what it means. Take time to notice the living whether conscious or not. Everything on this Earth emits energy. Bring it in. Notice a tree, notice a stream, or notice a young child riding a bike alone and wonder where he is going. Don't stop after only a few things. Keep it going. As long as your main inner dialogue is focusing on the world around you it won't focus on what's behind you. What matters is really only what is happening now. You cannot go back to your past and fix something. You can't change something you said or something you did. So get over it. Move on. There are more exciting things going on around you. You can make yourself the center of the universe but don't forget how big that universe is or what else is in it. 


Be happy.
Sometimes I see people and I just think to myself, "I don't like your face." Seems a bit harsh but I always notice when someone looks pitiful, unbalanced, or unhappy. Everyone sees your face and in turn they put a memory to that face. Make it pretty by making it smile. Everyone has a rough day. Everyone experiences something that they think is the worst ever. They are your emotions so feel free to do whatever you want with them, but appear happy. No one really wants to hear about your problems because usually no one wants to hear the help in return. If you are not capable of fixing your problems or shortcomings, don't let the world know about it. We're sick and tired of hearing about everyone's problems. I want to hear a great story. I want to hear something that lifts me up. I want tears of joy in my eyes all day long. I don't have the best life, but I always make sure that people know I'm OK. Sure, you're thinking if you hold it in or fake it that it will all be let loose someday. Just don't let that happen. Go back to the last tip and brush your shoulders off. Don't carry that stuff with you. No one likes baggage.


Stay up to date.
It's hard keeping up with this big bad world. All the news, sports, celebrities, friends. It can be a huge burden on your personal life to get too involved in other things but find what fits you. Keep up with the world, stay in touch with friends, and find interests you are really interested in. Your social life will blossom, your mind will grow stronger, and you won't feel so bad for not knowing anything. There are some stupid people in this world, even in this country. I've talked to people who have never been to a sporting event. Who don't understand how an economy works. Some who don't know who our President is or what party he belongs to. If I could put all the ridiculous up here I would, but it would take too long. Sure, some people are uneducated or under educated but why? Why would you want to live a life where you know nothing about the things around you? I wouldn't. If you aren't learning something new everyday, there is something wrong.


Reflect.
I know earlier I said not to focus on the past or get involved in those types of things, but at the end of your day it is ideal to reflect. If you have anything you "carried" home with you, get rid of it. Remember who was there for you or who helped you. Remember who you didn't have a chance to help and get on that tomorrow. Do not lay your head down tossing some idea around in your head. Be prepared for tomorrow, make it better than yesterday. Every day.


Dream
To me, there are two different types of dreams. Those you see while you sleep and those childhood dreams you may have forgotten. Remember your dreams. Write them down as soon as you wake up by keeping a dream journal. Deep in those dreams you will find clues to your everyday life. You will see old friends and meet new ones. It can bring a little excitement into your life and can even be fun to go back and see the crazy things your mind has come up with. Like I said before, the mind is a terrible thing to not understand. As far as your childhood dreams are concerned, remember they are childhood dreams. They were long term goals you set for yourself as a toddler, or adolescent. I wanted to be a Pro Soccer Player. I didn't get there, but the idea that I, as a young child, could imagine I had what it took amazes me. There are tons of other things I dreamed to be but I never got any of those. I worked my way up each of those paths but never got to the top. Don't forget your dreams because if you forget them, you doubt yourself. You tell yourself that you never wanted anything and you got it. Hopes for something more or something better keep me going and who knows, maybe you'll get your shot at what you always wanted just for your effort. For your passion. I recall a story where a high school boy with down syndrome wanted so bad to play football but couldn't. He was put on the team basically to make him feel better. In a playoff game the opposing team talked to the other coach and told him to put the kid in. The young man took a handoff and ran 76 yards for a touchdown in a playoff game for his high school. Something this young man never would have dreamed of doing. But he had passion and he held on to his dreams. He will never forget that for the rest of his life and when he thinks about it he will feel triumphant. That is the best feeling in the world.

Let Go And Live In The Moment

We soul search every day in attempts to learn about ourselves. Only, we realize that to truly find ourselves we have to look for our reflection in others, our counterpoint. We move away to save ourselves from who we become because we're so scared of our gut instinct that we only get inspired by being right in the first place but wrong in the moment. In order to find a clear head and a clear mind is to only live in the moment, not because of our haunting pasts, but because the present is really all that matters. We need to only be here now, to witness and not be deductive. When this is accomplished you will find yourself with no regrets and no withdrawals. Of course you only need the tools we've learned our entire time-line such as faith, respect, devotion, and faithfulness. Most of what we have learned is not to understand the past or what we've gone through but what we are going through in the moment for support. We do not learn to understand, we learn to be better. When this metaphorical learning curve represents a positive incline on your time-line, you know you're right where you're supposed to be. Everything should always be "up" from where you were last. Now I know what you are thinking, "I'm human, I mess up, and I make mistakes." We not need to reflect on these things, only learn from them and learn how to cope in that moment. Detach yourselves from living a life through other's feelings and emotions. Live for yourself and live unaffected; live knowledgeably and live in the NOW. You've learned how to get through these things so don't waste your time trying to find the "what if's" and "how so's." You will never find the true answer you're looking for by asking questions. You will find them by pursuing the answer in yourself, because only you have the answers.

I am Only Human

I was nearly convinced at one point that this is only my life, that those in which I'm surrounded by are not real things. They do not speak like me, breathe like me, or think like me. Like it is all a big test. These people make terrible decisions. These people do not respect. These people do not care for one another.For myself, I experienced the worst depression last year. And I can say it was the worst depression because they were my emotions and no one elses; and they were running wild. Most of the time I felt lost and unconnected. I felt like I didn't make a difference in anyone's life because the people who I grew to love and respect never reciprocated or grew distant. I had a real problem with seperation. I remember one night thinking of all the people I've felt overly passionate about and in my life they do not exist anymore. That scared me. I would work, and work, and work; all for what? I began to grow disgruntled about my job and the worst part of it was that I loved it there, I admired many people in that establishment. But even then, I never felt heard. Another thing that drove me into a negative space. For nearly six months I spent every minute by myself. Not sharing my feelings, my thoughts or concerns. Letting myself run on autopilot. Whatever happened only happened. I grew even more lost.


I felt homeless. The same way I felt when I was 18 and 19. In the same exact city. I had a house, I had belongings, I had water, power, air conditioning. Yet I still felt like I was nothing.


I was outraged. I was physically hurting. The past two years of my life I've ended what was before and began what is now. I've suffered, but I've persevered. I've wept, but I've held my head up. I stopped living in a world of destruction and disaster and opened myself up to a more humble way of thinking. Each and every day I come into contact with people who just continually don't give a shit about what they've done, what they're doing, or what they've started. When did the importance of the present leave people's hearts? When did people stop dreaming? When did people stop creating? So many people who are allowing the rest of the world to make their decisions are the people I have to deal with daily. Well I am not at the hands of the world, the government, or my state. I am at the will of myself. I was born here, I didn't choose that and it just so happens that I am a free man. It just so happens I am free to do whatever I want, to say whatever I want, and to make my decisions based on my own cognitive thinking. Do you know what that means? Why is everyone not jumping all over this? Many people take this for granted, they think they have to be some robot passing through time and space. Who wants to be nothing? Who doesn't want to change someone's life? Who doesn't want to help other people? These are the things I found myself thinking about all the time. I've grown sick of living my life at the will of civilization. I use things everyday that I didn't make or create and I think it's truly incredible. Life has been made easy for us, yet most of us continue to take it for granted. We live in a country that is slowly falling apart. People are rude, people are uneasy, people are jealous, people are not trustworty, and most people close themselves off. I've learned to respect everything. I've learned to love everything. I've learned to not speak or think negatively, although at times I still have my moments, but then I think... "I'm only human". It really is no excuse, it might be the worst excuse because the line does not mean, "I'm only human. I do these things because we as a human people are failing, because we are not perfect." But I've led myself to believe that I am an honest person, I am caring, I am respectful and respectable.. BECAUSE I'm only human and being human might just be the greatest thing that has ever happend to me.

One Year

This past year has turned out to be the worst I've ever experienced. I think we all go through these phases near the end of the year where we start to look back and think of all that has happened in that one year. Each year it's typical; something about a job, a relationship, or housing situation. For others it's smoking, drinking, and eating. Sometimes it's just health. This one was different for me. It began with hopes of change.Waking up every morning taking anti-depressants, LSD, and then opening a bottle of champagne or drinking a twelve pack was my forte. I survived. I worked, and worked hard. I played even harder. I thought I was living the life. In the long run these things didn't damage me. I was smart about it all, if that really matters. Then everything else got out of control. It got to the point where I opened up my mind to a whole new level of thinking and as soon as that happened I began to experience the downfall. Not from my own struggles or addictions, but basically everything else. When the year was coming to a close I decided to throw that away, pack my bags, and head home back to live with my mother. And by live with her I mean sleep on her couch in her living room.

I've worked in the foodservice industry since I was 16 years old and I've been great at it. Leaving the best job in the world in Charleston, SC probably could be considered as one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and even today, eleven months later, I think about it. My first two months were spent trying to figure out where I wanted to start my new life. Chicago? LA? NYC? I was planning on getting my tax returns back and hitting the road. Once my tax returns came in, everything in my car blew out. I had to spend the majority of my money fixing a car that I really should have gotten rid of in the first place.I was jobless for 5 months of the year. I've never gone more than two weeks without a job and decided to settle as a cook in a place I had worked years before. Working in a kitchen can be grueling work, but working for a disgusting, money hungry, clown of a manager can drive you further down a dark path. I got fired for putting on Facebook that I needed a second job because I wasn't making enough money. Six days later I get called back and got my job back. Fun fact: the manager who fired me never spoke to me again. I got a second job at another restaurant I used to work at. To my other job it was probably the worst thing I can do because that manager couldn't tell Thursday from Tuesday or Saturday from Monday. Dealing with scheduling issues is one thing but when you have a set schedule it shouldn't be too hard to follow what YOU instated.

Directly after leaving my first job I began working more at the other job. One week into working there I got a call from one of my sisters. Her voice was shaking and I knew something had happened. Her words; "Something happened to your brother-in-law." My brother-in-law was a Staff Sergeant in the USMC. He was KIA 7/7/2011. SSGT Thomas Joseph Dudds Dudley. He was a true American Hero. I was not partial to death. Never really was around someone I would 'never see again.' My sisters had friends in their school who died, in fact, 16 total. Two people died while I was in high school, one from an overdose, and one who was murdered. Both of those hit home but they weren't people I had surrounded myself with. I only knew them through other people. I did go to both funerals. Then for nearly five years there was not a single soul that was taken that had a major affect on me until my Grandpa died in September of 2011. When his wife, my Grandma, died in the 90's, I was young and didn't know what it meant. It also meant driving from South Carolina to New York like it was a vacation of some sort. Although I will never forget the memory of a midnight phone call and my mom screaming and crying, I didn't have many memories of her. That is what I attached to death. Since TJ died in July, one of my friends OD'd, one of my friends was murdered by her stepson, and a dear friend of my family killed himself. Other than death, I have lost my car, got denied a loan to get a new car, I have slept on a couch for nearly a year andI have woken up at 7am every morning to mayhem. Every day is a struggle to get to work, family problems infiltrate my daily life, and my dad is getting sick at 71 years old.

So, this has been a year of my life with countless other trials and tests that have gone unsaid. But, I've learned to get through them, and this blog will be a testament to living the good life. I am positive. I am confident. I can tell you no matter what stress you are under, you can avoid it. You can find a way out and still be involved in your life wholeheartedly.