I am Only Human

I was nearly convinced at one point that this is only my life, that those in which I'm surrounded by are not real things. They do not speak like me, breathe like me, or think like me. Like it is all a big test. These people make terrible decisions. These people do not respect. These people do not care for one another.For myself, I experienced the worst depression last year. And I can say it was the worst depression because they were my emotions and no one elses; and they were running wild. Most of the time I felt lost and unconnected. I felt like I didn't make a difference in anyone's life because the people who I grew to love and respect never reciprocated or grew distant. I had a real problem with seperation. I remember one night thinking of all the people I've felt overly passionate about and in my life they do not exist anymore. That scared me. I would work, and work, and work; all for what? I began to grow disgruntled about my job and the worst part of it was that I loved it there, I admired many people in that establishment. But even then, I never felt heard. Another thing that drove me into a negative space. For nearly six months I spent every minute by myself. Not sharing my feelings, my thoughts or concerns. Letting myself run on autopilot. Whatever happened only happened. I grew even more lost.


I felt homeless. The same way I felt when I was 18 and 19. In the same exact city. I had a house, I had belongings, I had water, power, air conditioning. Yet I still felt like I was nothing.


I was outraged. I was physically hurting. The past two years of my life I've ended what was before and began what is now. I've suffered, but I've persevered. I've wept, but I've held my head up. I stopped living in a world of destruction and disaster and opened myself up to a more humble way of thinking. Each and every day I come into contact with people who just continually don't give a shit about what they've done, what they're doing, or what they've started. When did the importance of the present leave people's hearts? When did people stop dreaming? When did people stop creating? So many people who are allowing the rest of the world to make their decisions are the people I have to deal with daily. Well I am not at the hands of the world, the government, or my state. I am at the will of myself. I was born here, I didn't choose that and it just so happens that I am a free man. It just so happens I am free to do whatever I want, to say whatever I want, and to make my decisions based on my own cognitive thinking. Do you know what that means? Why is everyone not jumping all over this? Many people take this for granted, they think they have to be some robot passing through time and space. Who wants to be nothing? Who doesn't want to change someone's life? Who doesn't want to help other people? These are the things I found myself thinking about all the time. I've grown sick of living my life at the will of civilization. I use things everyday that I didn't make or create and I think it's truly incredible. Life has been made easy for us, yet most of us continue to take it for granted. We live in a country that is slowly falling apart. People are rude, people are uneasy, people are jealous, people are not trustworty, and most people close themselves off. I've learned to respect everything. I've learned to love everything. I've learned to not speak or think negatively, although at times I still have my moments, but then I think... "I'm only human". It really is no excuse, it might be the worst excuse because the line does not mean, "I'm only human. I do these things because we as a human people are failing, because we are not perfect." But I've led myself to believe that I am an honest person, I am caring, I am respectful and respectable.. BECAUSE I'm only human and being human might just be the greatest thing that has ever happend to me.